


Why We Can't Have Nice Things

by Khemi



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: A golfcart driven dangerously, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, And all the guardians and kids are in big family units, Dating, Dorkiness, Established Relationship, Failed attempts at cockblocking, Gift Fic, Hot air balloon chase, M/M, Pesterlog, Ridiculous action sequence, Secretsantastuck2013, Snark, that are vaguely referenced
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-05 23:20:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khemi/pseuds/Khemi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk and John suck at dating, Dave sucks at cockblocking, and Rose and Bro are just here to sit back and enjoy the show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mission Happy Birthday You Motherfucking Asshole

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theprettypinks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprettypinks/gifts).



> MERRY CHRISTMAS ENJOY THE FIC [LOSER](http://theprettypinks.tumblr.com/) :*
> 
> The various parts of the prompt will show up in different chapters, so here is Dave being a shit 8)

TG: hey   
TG: yo   
TG: rose   
TG: rosey   
TG: rosa   
TG: rosita   
TG: rosalind   
TG: ambrose   
TG: goddamn why cant i think of any rose puns   
TG: youre not like bro   
TG: i can think of a million puns on bro   
TG: or i just do a roxy from dirk to dick and hey look its still totally him   
TG: i need to up my punning game   
TG: pun game too strong   
TG: or in this case nonexistent   
TG: shit where the fuck are you this is never gonna stop if you dont get your ass back here young lady   
TG: what would mom think   
TG: who am i kidding shed probably laugh at me because i cant even think of one good pun for your damn name   
TG: do you even like puns i dont know   
TG: wait   
TG: wait   
TG: ive got this   
TG: do you like puns rose   
TG: or are they a   
TT: I find them fairly enjoyable.   
TG: well now youve just ruined it   
TT: Did you require something, Dave?   
TG: i required you to shut up for two more minutes and let me have my fun but looks like that isnt a thing that can happen   
TT: Dave, I want to apologise and let you finish your absolutely riveting joke.   
TT: But between John, Jane and Mother, I have heard literally every flora based pun or joke that mankind has ever created, and some I am certain were imparted to them by an alien species as of yet unknown to science.   
TT: So yes, Dave.   
TT: That *is* a rather thorny subject.   
TG: fucking   
TG: this might come as a shock rose   
TG: but i did not in fact just text you so you could marvel at my hella awesome punning skills   
TG: theres a dire emergency going down and i need a snarky yet loveable sidekick   
TT: One can only hope this emergency is more real than your fictional skills.   
TT: Oh wise and wonderful Dave, he who makes the bitches swoon when he walks in the room, how may your sassy Token Goth Girl be of use to you in your time of great need?   
TG: im sorry could you return this token goth girl to the chef and tell him to hold the sass   
TT: Right away, Mister Strider. Would you like some personality with your female sidekick, or do you wish her two-dimensional and full of ‘spunk’.   
TG: okay well   
TG: that sounds wicked nasty   
TG: how about i just have a rose instead   
TT: How fortunate for you! That happens to be today’s special.   
TG: sweet   
TG: wait   
TG: how much is this going to cost me   
TT: Reading one wizard-based erotica story penned by myself including characters with a shocking descriptive similarity, all entirely coincidental of course, to yourself and your brother.   
TG: you drive a hard bargain lalonde   
TG: i suppose ill accept only because him banging my fictional no doubt bearded before my time wizardsona is better than the alternative   
TT: Which is?   
TG: the sweet cry of the mating egbert at three in the morning moaning about how happy he is dirk senpai noticed his sweet little baratwink ass   
TT: Oh my, Dave.   
TT: We can’t have John sleeping consensually with his boyfriend of several years, now can we?   
TT: However could we allow something as utterly scandalous as that?   
TG: exactly   
TG: we cant   
TG: my precious ears cant take it rose   
TG: i barely survived three days last time hes here two weeks now   
TG: i thought me and him were gonna get to chill but nope   
TG: we were sitting playing games when dirk swooped in through the fucking window like the shitty batman to johns shittier robin   
TG: swept him off his feet with a bouquet of water squirting flowers that i might add were aimed to hit me in the face   
TG: then carried the giggling asshole out the door with barely a bye best friend who i love dearly and clearly want to spend time with more than i want to be with your totally lame dork of a brother   
TG: i mean he might not have actually said that   
TG: but he was thinking it pretty hard rose   
TG: he was thinking it   
TT: Your recently discovered psychic abilities aside, dare I ask where you are now?   
TT: A normal person would reply ‘the apartment, Rose, what sort of strange person would follow his best friend and brother on a date’, of course.   
TT: And yet…   
TG: im two tables behind them at the shitty restaurant they went to   
TT: There she is, Miss America.   
TT: Dave, did it ever occur to you not to follow them?   
TT: To just sit at home, rent a movie? Perhaps take advantage of being alone, and find footage of buxom breasts or large cocks or both at once and get in some good old fashioned exercise for your admittedly already impressively toned wrist?   
TT: Or was your first thought upon being left that your princess had in fact been taken to another tower, and it was your sworn duty to save him from the dastardly grip of romance?   
TG: im sorry rose all i seem to be able to read is bluh bluh youre so great dave how thoughtful of you to protect your best friend from the dumb weeaboo you have the misfortune of being related to   
TG: i know it was a noble act   
TG: and not everyone can be as selfless and charming as me   
TG: but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do   
TT: Then why oh why can’t John do your brother?   
TG: rose   
TT: Ah, I forgot. Dirk is not in fact your mother, and thus does not fall under the universal law of making John’s hammer stand to attention everytime he sees his ass sway past.   
TG: exactly   
TG: see rose   
TG: you get this   
TG: you understand   
TT: Yes, Dave.   
TT: Yes, of course I do.   
TG: tactful move bringing up moms though when you know i am sadly lacking one for john to drool over in a completely acceptable way   
TG: given some unmentionable motherfuckers somehow ended up with two   
TG: nice rose   
TG: nice   
TT: Trust me, Dave, if I could give you one of the demonspawn who insist on parenting me, I would.   
TT: They are both as bad as each other.   
TT: If you wish to discuss your fairly poorly hidden maternal issues, I will happily listen, of course.   
TG: last time you happily listened you told me i had a secret desire for bro to dress me up like a smuppet and make sweet love to me   
TT: I stand by my conclusions.   
TG: and i stand by concluding this part of the conversation so i can tell you about how john and dirk are holding hands like sixth graders   
TT: Ah yes, let us get back to the thrilling escapades that are your attempts to cockblock your brother without him noticing you in a fancy restaurant you no doubt look completely out of place in, unless shirts so outside the mainstream a hipster would struggle to cope with their majesty are now acceptable dress code.   
TG: rose dirk wont notice me hes making googoo eyes at john the rest of the world has ceased to exist to him   
TG: im floating in the void beyond those pretty blue eyes he likes to tell me about every two fucking minutes im talking to john   
TG: im the invisible fucking man to those lovebirds and you know what i did not need to hear how much dirk is looking forward to getting hands on with johns dick holy shit   
TT: How thoughtless of him to say such things, with his brother right there.   
TT: Oh! But you are a phantom, as you explained. How dare he not be tactful to empty seats?   
TG: hes in public rose   
TG: who goes around in public graphically describing the act of blowing a dude like theyre fondly talking about their firstborn child   
TT: Dirk does, Dave.   
TT: And really, Dirk does the giving? Fascinating.   
TG: are you suggesting you thought john was the one more likely to want to give rose are you really suggesting that   
TT: Are you suggesting you knew for sure he wasn’t?   
TT: That you have, perhaps, given it some thought?   
TG: so hey look theyve got a shared platter now lets talk about that   
TT: Certainly.   
TT: We will leave these other discussions until later.   
TG: later being when im dead   
TG: you know that right   
TT: Oh, Dave. You really think dying will be enough to get you out of this?   
TG: why   
TG: why are we friends   
TT: Because I’m the only one who listens to you complaining about the mating habits of the wild Egbert, Strider.   
TT: Now tell me all about this platter of theirs.   
TG: theres some lady and the tramp shit going down rose   
TG: if the lady was an asian dude with hammer arms and thunder thighs   
TG: and the tramp was a shitty wannabe ninja with hair so sharp you could carve a pumpkin with it and shades so stupid only my two fucking idiot brothers would wear them   
TT: Only two of your brothers wear them?   
TG: yeah because me and big bro dont need you to believe in the us that believes in you   
TG: we just wear actual decent shades that dont look fucking idiotic   
TG: but dave i hear you cry how could dirk live without squirtle shades   
TG: good question rose and the answer is really fucking easily theyre not an internal organ and oh my god john is finger feeding him tiny breaded chicken strips i cant watch this   
TT: I imagine the sensual close of his lips around the phallic chicken and his lover’s fingers as their gazes smoulder at one another is quite a sight.   
TG: rose   
TT: It gives “food porn” a whole new meaning.   
TG: rose no   
TG: dirk is returning the favour   
TG: this is horrific   
TG: if i dont do something soon theyll be sweet blushing maidens no longer rose   
TG: but what can i do   
TG: what can i do   
TT: Hm.   
TG: hm she says   
TG: hm   
TG: do you have an idea rose   
TG: do you   
TG: want to share with the class rose   
TG: the class is ready and listening   
TT: Hmmm.   
TT: I think it will cost you dearly, Strider.   
TG: worse than wizard porn of myself   
TG: christ   
TG: aight hit me with your best shot   
TT: One of your brother’s videos.   
TG: well   
TT: The two hour long premium special edition directors cut of “Puppets Gone Wild”, in fact.   
TG: wait   
TT: Complete with commentary, nothing skipped, watched full screen.   
TG: rose are you texting bro right now is that what youre fucking doing   
TT: He’s rather excited at the chance for brotherly bonding.   
TG: you want me to sit and watch two hours of puppets being rubbed together by my brothers hands with a soundtrack of squeaks and heavy breathing while he probably sits there like a pervert just out of shot getting off on the sexy sight of triple x felt on felt action   
TT: And with Bro himself giving you a commentary on only the best in cutting edge puppet fetishist technology and the cinematic struggles involved in staging such an intimate yet risque motion picture, yes.   
TG: do you promise me you will give me something gold   
TT: I promise you that their date will suddenly be in the least romantic surroundings it can be.   
TG: i am conflicted   
TG: but my need for less dirkjohn makeouts overcomes my need for sanity   
TG: hit me   
TT: Quietly inform a waiter that you are Dirk’s brother and that it is his birthday today, and say you would like them to give him “the full birthday treatment”. Pay an extra charge if required. Sit back. Watch as the fun begins.   
TG: that   
TG: is   
TG: genius holy shit this is why i love you rose   
TT: I know, Dave.   
TT: Bro says he’s looking forward to your movie night.   
TG: this will be worth it   
TG: lemme get a waiter over here without the nauseating lovebirds noticing   
TT: All the best in your quest, oh noble knight.   
TG: ty oh sarcastic witch   
TT: Please, Dave, I am clearly a wizard.   
TG: be quiet and let me focus   
TT: He said to the text.   
TT: The loud, screaming text.   
TT: The letters that wailed with the voice of a thousand lost souls as he looked upon them, and they looked back into the depths of his dark soul.   
TG: or maybe he was talking about his hella rad notification tone   
TG: maybe thats what happened   
TT: Your notification tone is, as it has been for several years, the “absolutely ironically used” Hit Me Baby One More Time and that is no one’s fault but your own.   
TT: You could have changed it back at any point in the time since Bro altered it, you know.   
TT: And yet the siren song of Britney refuses to let you go.   
TG: what can i say   
TG: britney and me have something special   
TG: she wants me to hit her one more time everytime rose   
TG: how could i refuse   
TT: How could you indeed.   
TG: okay mission happy birthday you motherfucking asshole is underway   
TT: “Mission Happy Birthday You Motherfucking Asshole”   
TT: Can’t we go for something a little more catchy?   
TG: mission shut the fuck up rose do you want this on a tshirt or something   
TT: My needles are poised to knit us a two-headed team sweater as we speak, but I’m afraid I don’t think that will fit.   
TT: How about “Mission Grow Up, Dave”?   
TG: mission go suck a dick   
TT: I though that was what we were trying to prevent?   
TG: okay okay   
TG: theyre being approached   
TG: we have a full band rose   
TG: a full band   
TG: john looks so confused this is beautiful   
TG: and dirk looks   
TG: wait   
TG: oh my fucking god   
TG: rose he cant do this this isnt allowed   
TT: Why whatever is he doing, Dave?   
TG: hes acting like its actually his fucking birthday and faking being all happy and emotional i cant believe this   
TG: johns doing it too now oh my god   
TG: theyre holding hands and fluttering lashes and this failed rose this was the titanic and dirk was the shitty douche of an iceberg in the way   
TG: im abandoning ship before i go down with it because any minute now theyre gonna get told it was me and my cover is blown so i am so gone   
TG: fuck this   
TG: the band can play as they go down in a sea of shitty bro and real bro embraces but im saying ladies and children out of the way theres a fine ass hustledaddy who needs to get his lifeboat on first   
TG: you tried and you failed rose looks like its mission go suck a dick afterall because like fuck has the birthday boy stopped making birthday eyes through glass as dark as my shrivelled hopes   
TG: next time ill get them rose   
TG: i almost got them this time i almost did   
TT: And you would have gotten away with it too if not for that pesky Dirk and his troublesome brain.

\- : -

TT: John can’t stop laughing.   
TT: You know this was the first date we’ve ever had we actually acted romantic on, Rose, usually he’s an utter dick and I’m as rad as I invariably always am.   
TT: But it was worth it.   
TT: Has Dave stopped complaining yet?   
TT: No, and I’m fairly certain he’s texting at the wheel, Bro is very disappointed with him.   
TT: Apparently there will be a stern strifing when he gets home.   
TT: I’m sure it will be the grand finale to an excellent and thoroughly successful evening for him.   
TT: I’d assume we’re not going to mention to him that we’ve spoken because I’m looking forward to watching him struggle not to say anything because he “wasn’t here”.   
TT: Do let me know if he says anything of note. I always like mentioning such things in passing without revealing my sources.   
TT: You know I will.   
TT: So tell me, Dirk-Senpai, do you have plans to wake him at 3am with your beautiful lovemaking this fine Texan night?   
TT: Hell no, Bro won’t let us fuck in the house, never has done.   
TT: Bouncing on the bed and moaning through the wall, though?   
TT: Like me and John would ever let him get away with this shit without getting a little good old-fashioned revenge. 


	2. The Worst Thing To Happen Ever. Of All Time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk and John go on a date, or at least try to. Help is called for. Help _sucks._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sO It's been forever but hey!!! I'm finishing this! More fun pesterlog nonsense, now starring 100% more Bro, Dirk and John!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

EB: rose.  
EB: help me.  
TT: I was under the impression you were on a highly romantic and "in no way to be interrupted" date, John.  
EB: i was  
EB: i am!!!!  
EB: and it is VERY romantic and VERY exciting.  
TT: …  
TT: John, you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing, do you?  
EB: rose this is the single worst thing that’s ever happened to me in my life.  
EB: you don’t understand.  
EB: i have no idea how to date someone!!!  
TT: You’ve been dating Dirk for several years, I fail to grasp how this has never been an issue before now.  
EB: well, so far all our dates have kind of hinged on one super important detail!  
EB: we do stuff that will wind dave up.  
EB: it’s all mushy and dumb and difficult for him to stand, and then we laugh for an hour afterwards, watch a movie, cuddle up in a very manly way and fall asleep.  
EB: it works great!!!  
EB: we don’t have to do any serious dates, we get to have fun, and then we can just be romantic at home and that’s totally cool!  
EB: but not today.  
EB: bro kicked us both out and said him and dave had a movie night or something to do, so we said we’d go on a real date, because it must be easy, right?  
TT: Oh dear.  
EB: do you know something rose??  
EB: when dave isn’t around to provide entertainment, restaurants are super dull!  
EB: plus there’s no good movies on we could agree on going to see.  
EB: we tried going to an arcade but dirk beat me so often it isn’t funny, and then when we went shopping i kept pranking him in revenge and he ended up lying down in the middle of the mall until i promised not to do it again.  
EB: rose, what if me and dirk aren’t actually meant to date???  
EB: what if this whole time my life has been a lie.  
TT: That feels like a fairly drastic conclusion to come to, John.  
TT: If your only evidence is that you are woefully incapable of organising a genuinely romantic date on short notice, I would suggest you are mistaken.  
TT: Very few people could think of a truly enthralling date on short notice.  
EB: i bet you could.  
EB: could you, rose?  
TT: If I say "yes", I am afraid your next comment is tragically predictable.   
TT: I probably could, John.  
EB: rose i need you to help me come up with a date.  
TT: You don’t say?  
TT: Alright, I suppose I could assist a friend in need.  
TT: Are you sure Dirk will not be making plans of his own?  
EB: of course he won’t.  
EB: he’s drawing a bigger blank than me and he’s too ridiculous to admit it!  
EB: he won’t just tell me he has no clue, so here we are.  
EB: obviously i need to take control away from mister control freak, and come to you.  
EB: at least i have help!!!  
EB: i mean really, rose, who could dirk even ask?

  


BRO: You want me to help you plan a date.  
TT: I already have regrets.  
BRO: I have a ton of questions and the main one is how the fuck are we related if you can’t figure out how to sweep the asshole off his feet within sixty seconds.  
BRO: Letting down the Strider name, man, I’m hella ashamed.  
TT: Oh woe is me, for I have brought dishonour upon the line of hellacious romancers that share my blood!  
TT: However will I go on?  
TT: I know! Pretty fucking easily, because you haven’t dated anything that wasn’t made of felt in about ten years, and big bro can say what he likes but it doesn’t take Crocker sleuthing around to notice he’s never once brought us so much as a letter from the many girlfriends he claims to have.  
BRO: Harsh words from the dude who just came running to me because he can’t think of anything to do with his boyfriend.  
BRO: His boyfriend he has been dating for many apparently romanceless moons.  
BRO: I taught you better than this.  
TT: You taught me that showing someone your swords was a guaranteed mating strategy.  
BRO: Are you telling me it’s not?  
TT: I’m telling you I did that to John, I screamed at him I had a sword in fact, and what I got was him doubling over laughing until he cried and whispering I’m a huge tool before patting my back and telling me I could show him it in the most patronising voice I’ve heard since you were telling Dave his selfies were works of art.  
BRO: Can’t help but notice you’re dating John now, though.  
TT: Oh my fucking God, don’t you even dare.  
TT: That was nothing to do with my ridiculous attempts to fan my swords at him like a damn peacock, swanning about with a glittering tail of death.  
BRO: ...Or was it?  
TT: No. It wasn’t.  
BRO: ...Or WAS it?  
TT: Bro I will burn your Muppet DVDs on the roof in a sacrificial pyre to the rad god of getting me laid if you don’t shut up.  
BRO: No need for such drastic measures, drama queen.  
BRO: I am the king of getting my little brother laid somehow, after all.  
BRO: No matter if I think him getting the D is actually plausible.  
TT: Wow, I can feel the love and effort in your sweet, honest words.  
BRO: I jest, mostly.  
BRO: Now tell me what I’m working with, beyond a pair of clueless douchebags.  
TT: If I need to tell you about myself I’m going to judge you with all the fire of every single Lalonde scorned.  
TT: As for John, you’re dealing with a good looking asshole who enjoy films, pranks, being a little shit, playing games and dressing up in suits.  
BRO: Arcade.  
TT: Tried that. Add sore loser to that list.  
BRO: Nice.  
BRO: You picked so well, lil man.  
TT: May I direct you to your own dating history before you sass me about my active lovelife.  
BRO: Ouch.  
BRO: You need to talk to the Lalondes less, you dick.  
BRO: Hm.  
BRO: Dress him up fancy and go for a meal?  
TT: Tried that, too. Boring as all fuck.  
BRO: If you think all fucks are boring I’m pretty sure you’re doing it wrong.  
TT: Wow, Bro.  
TT: Those regrets are back.  
BRO: Movies.  
TT: Nothing good on.  
BRO: Pranking people.  
TT: I don’t want to be arrested.  
TT: Again.  
BRO: Looks like you covered all the bases you provided me with.  
BRO: Ain’t it his turn to try and pick something?  
TT: Oh, please.  
TT: If John tried to organise our date it would be a disaster.  
TT: Can you really imagine him in charge of anything?

  


EB: i think it’s a great idea!!!  
TT: John, that is one of the worst ideas I have ever heard, and I say that to you as Roxy’s sister.  
EB: what’s wrong with it? :(  
TT: Dirk would kill you, Bro would kill you, Dave would kill you, your father would kill you, and where would you even get that much shaving cream?  
TT: I am fairly sure it would be classed as some kind of terrorist action by the city.  
EB: why is that stuff so flammable if i can never burn it, that’s what i want to know.  
TT: Because having a "romantic bonfire" in the middle of a public park fueled by highly explosive shaving cream is utterly ridiculous.  
TT: You say "all the fun of camping without any of the effort" but I hear "all the potential for disaster with none of the legality".  
EB: well you haven’t come up with anything better!!  
TT: That is because I am taking time to think about it, not flipping through my Sylladex, settling on the first card and going "ah yes, Barbasol, this will surely put the spark back into our relationship!"  
TT: Your father would not be proud.  
EB: like he would’ve had any good suggestions!  
EB: oh my god, my dad’s ideas for dates would be something special.  
TT: Actually I think they’d be along the lines of taking Dirk to a lake for a romantic picnic but all the food contains chilli powder and at the end you shove him into the water.  
EB: rose!! that’s!!!  
TT: An absolutely awful idea, John, don’t you dare.  
EB: :(  
EB: it would have been amazing.  
TT: Until Dirk promptly strifed you into next century before refusing you any kind of gratification for the rest of your life.  
TT: I want you to imagine Dirk Strider when someone has ruined his hair, John.  
TT: Something I would bet a lucrative sum on you being familiar with.  
TT: Now imagine the ruination occurred in a freezing cold lake while he had no towel or change of clothes.  
EB: …  
EB: he’d kill me.  
TT: Yes, he would.  
TT: You may thank me for saving your life later.  
TT: For now, we need to think of something, and rather quickly.  
EB: well i’m sure we have time.  
EB: he’s just sitting on his phone looking like he’s a moment away from figuring out the secret of life.  
EB: whatever he’s doing must be waaaaaaaay more important to him than the serious business we’re dealing with!

  


TT: Bro I’m not taking John to a strip club.  
BRO: Come on, kid, it’d be perfect.

  


EB: so i guess at the moment our whole date is going to be me and you figuring out what our date could’ve been while Dirk stares into the fascinating depths of fuck knows what on his screen.  
EB: this is so fun, rose. wow. i am having such a great time.  
TT: My apologies for forgetting to make your solicitations for date ideas a side-splitting comedy routine, John. I will be more cautious in future to guarantee the maximum hilarity and shenanigans in all of our discussions.  
EB: you better!!!  
EB: everyone knows you need to make these things fun, rose!!  
TT: I don’t know how I could possibly have let such obvious knowledge slip my mind.  
EB: you should be ashamed.  
TT: I assure you, I am drowning in pure embarrassment.  
TT: How could I be so foolish, I cry, weeping into a small, delicate handkerchief. How could I dare to be dull?  
TT: I apologise to Sassacre as I make a sacrificial offering of pie to his effigy by splatting it upon his face.  
TT: The cream drips sadly over his glorious moustache, and it smells like judgement.  
TT: When will I discover this ‘humour’ that others speak of?  
TT: I only pray it will be soon.  
EB: someday, rose!  
EB: someday.  
EB: (hehehe!!)  
EB: but really, i have no idea what to do.  
EB: dirk is waving his phone around at arms length and making little spluttering noises, and i am starting to think maybe this date should be a game of ‘i’m not with him, i swear’.  
TT: You are no doubt a master of that game after so long spent with our dearest Dave.  
EB: i am THE master, rose.  
EB: dave makes it necessary.  
TT: Alas, I doubt that is really the most romantic way to spend an eve.  
TT: The way to his heart is irony, John, and probably ponies, swords, or men in questionable leather outfits.  
TT: Hm.  
TT: I don’t suppose…  
EB: rose if your next sentence involves me and leather i am sorry but i am friend-disowning you.  
TT: Well.  
TT: I’m out of ideas.  
EB: i just need something really inappropriate, that he can laugh at, and we can both have fun and go home and then maybe finally do more than bounce up and down on a bed to wind up dave.  
TT: Hm.  
EB: what would dirk never see coming????  
TT: John.  
TT: I think.  
TT: I might just have the perfect idea.

  


BRO: And then you wait until she’s sliding down the pole and you lean over and you say,  
BRO: Hey, John.  
BRO: I know a pole I’d like to ride.  
TT: No.  
BRO: I’d give you a lapdance anytime.  
TT: No.  
BRO: You don’t need to pay to get these panties off me.  
TT: No.  
BRO: Hey big boy.  
BRO: How about a little…  
BRO: Private entertainment?  
TT: Bro I will set fire to everything you love.  
BRO: Lame.  
TT: Why are you describing yourself?  
BRO: Wow.  
BRO: I was just trying to help.  
BRO: It was a great idea!  
TT: It was an awful idea.  
TT: Luckily, John says we’re going somewhere, so I guess I no longer need what I’d only loosely term your "help".  
TT: So I am going to leave you, blissful in the knowledge your shitty suggestions were thankfully never seen to fruition, and I get to taste the sweeter juices of John’s hopefully actually intelligent decision.  
TT: I never thought I’d be so happy to have him take charge, but compared to you, this is a blessing.  
BRO: I can feel the love.  
BRO: You’re such a sweet little brother.  
TT: And you’re a dick.  
BRO: I know I have a big one but I promise you it doesn’t take up my entire body.  
TT: Wow.  
BRO: I’m sorry, that was.  
BRO: Yeah.  
BRO: I’ll get my coat.  
TT: Get out.  
BRO: I’m gone.  
BRO: Have a good date.  
TT: Thankfully, it looks like I will.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering broicouldntthinkofabetterusernameStrider [BRO] --

 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering broicouldntthinkofabetterusernameStrider [BRO] --

TT: SON OF A BITCH WE’RE AT A STRIP CLUB  
BRO: YOU’RE WELCOME ASSHOLE.  
TT: BRO  
BRO: YOOOOOOO  
TT: B R O  
BRO: HAVE FUN DIRK  
BRO: REMEMBER THE PICKUP LINES  
TT: I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU  
BRO: <333  
  
\-- broicouldntthinkofabetterusernameStrider [BRO] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

TT: BRO STRIDER YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED  
TT: I SWEAR TO GOD BRO  
TT: I SWEAR TO GOD

  


BRO: So, then.  
BRO: A strip club.  
BRO: Wonder where John got that idea.  
TT: It truly is one of life’s mysteries.  
BRO: Sure is.  
BRO: Heh.  
BRO: ...  
BRO: How much do I owe you?  
TT: Well, Mister Strider.  
TT: I don’t think that was discussed.  
TT: I’m sure we can come to some... arrangement.  
TT: ;)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONE CHAPTER TO GO. I'll try and upload it this coming week, so stay tuned!


	3. The Double-Shafted Dick of Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Dirk go on a Very Important Date, Dave seeks righteous vengeance, and a perilous chase ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am totally one week later haha wow look at that what an on-time update this is.

TG: where are they   
TG: john   
TG: john   
TG: john   
TG: dont do this dont ignore me not now   
TG: john   
TG: i like to think im a patient man   
TG: i can paddle for days in the better left untasted fluids of boredom   
TG: keep my head up high and watch that distant horizon   
TG: taste the changes in the air   
TG: the small signs my moment is coming   
TG: one day the wave im waiting for will crash on in and ill get to pull the sickest moves seen in the life surfing championships   
TG: the crowd will go wild   
TG: tears will be shed   
TG: did you see the way he handled that double betrayal bob it was stunning   
TG: after biding his time without batting an eyelid at his supposed best friend leaving him hanging its impressive he still had the strength to face it steve   
TG: but there he goes   
TG: there he fucking goes bob   
TG: flipping his way through an emotional backstab and riding that piece of shit life of his straight up into the sun   
TG: not surprised hes ascending out of earths atmosphere after the way he was hurt by the people he thought loved him   
TG: you see what im saying with this story john   
TG: in reality   
TG: im the surfer john   
TG: its me   
TG: and you know what this surfer wants to know   
TG: know the only thought brewing under his suncream war paint   
TG: want to know what keeps such a radical dude up at night   
EB: not really!   
TG: JOHN WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY GLASSES 

  


BRO: He’s flipping his everloving shit.   
BRO: I know you guys have a good headstart but I don’t think it’s going to be enough this time.   
BRO: He isn’t even rapping while he cusses you out he’s just calling you words that are making my sweet innocent cheeks turn firetruck red.   
TT: To my credit, John didn’t inform me we were carrying illegally obtained eyewear until we were already on our way.   
TT: I would like the court to note I was innocent in the theft of said shades and continue to deny any ongoing involvement in their kidnapping.   
BRO: I don’t think that’s going to stand up for long when prosecutor, judge and jury are all the same dude and he’s taking out a bounty on your blood.   
TT: According to John this is all “part of the plan,” presumably follow step one, “screw Dirk over by not telling him that a plan exists at all.”   
BRO: Listen, from me to you?   
BRO: I trained Dave.   
BRO: He’s gonna kick your asses.   
TT: As always, you know just what to say to make my heart fill with joy.   
TT: I can take Dave in a strife, Bro. I’ve done it before, repeatedly.   
BRO: Well, yeah, of course you can.   
BRO: In a normal strife, on a typical day, with your sword and an environment you’re used to.   
BRO: Hey kid let’s rewind.   
BRO: Remember when the other douchebag picked up Dave’s glasses by accident and wore them out?   
BRO: The day Dave lost it and tore the house apart looking for those things and tore up floorboards bare-handed that I still haven’t got to sit straight?   
BRO: When it took both of us to restrain Dave from actually straight up murdering his smug face when he came back in that night?   
BRO: You’re not dealing with typical Dave, Dirk, you’re dealing with Dave whose prize possession is at stake.   
BRO: You think he’s capable of some off the wall shit normally, just wait until you see what he’ll do when there’s shades in distress and two not so mean motherfuckers in his way.   
TT: ...Do you think I can talk John into just giving them back?   
BRO: It’s too late for that, lil man.   
BRO: The only option now is a life on the run. 

  


TG: yuo did WAT   
EB: you told me i needed to make sure dave was distracted so he didn’t ruin anything, so i distracted him!!!   
TG: jon   
TG: *putts my hasnds on ur shuldrs*   
TG: *lookin deep into ur sparklin blue eys*   
TG: th poinit of a distaction is that   
TG: an this mite suprise u!   
TG: u make it as faaaar awaway from u as u can   
TG: wat u have done here   
TG: is acutully make daev pay more atention to u   
TG: *dave   
TG: ur tryin to distact him by BEIN the distaction   
TG: a duble mobius distactaronud   
TG: also called a culserfcuk   
TG: *cusserfuck   
TG: *clusterfuck   
TG: do u see hte porblem jon   
TG: THE PROLBEM   
TG: do u SEE it   
EB: no, because i can’t see anything through these dumb shades i’m wearing!   
TG: an this is why i cant beleve we r freinds 

  


TG: where did you go   
TT: Forgive me if I’m not bursting at the seams to be complicit in my own murder.   
TT: We went out.   
TT: John’s in control of where we’re headed, it could be anywhere he’s got it in his mind to go, a voyage to the edges of the Egbertosphere.   
TT: I understand there’s a certain vested desperation in your pursuit of knowledge here but even if I wanted to help you, I can’t give you data that’s locked down under a patented John bullshit encryption.   
TT: No one can break through the impenetrable layers of pranking gambit, asshole attitude, and half-baked schemes, not even a master hacker, or someone who claims to be one.   
TT: So I’m afraid I’ll have to leave you chasing the ghosts of pranksters past while I do a sick grind straight into the unknowable future.   
TG: that sure was a lot of words to not say anything at all   
TT: That mirror not looking so hot?   
TT: Dave I know you’re mad but can you kick his ass after we get back?   
TT: This is an important day, he’s been talking about it for a month.   
TG: a month   
TG: see   
TG: john doesnt make plans ahead of time thats not johns style   
TG: at least   
TG: he doesnt do it alone   
TT: Dave, you know it worries me when you don’t ramble.   
TT: You’re getting to the point fast enough I’m getting some wickednasty whiplash.   
TT: I don’t know how to deal without a convoluted narrative to follow your train of thought down to a weird ass imagery-laden Wonderland.   
TT: This is like having a conversation with a normal human being and that’s the opposite of what I’m capable of.   
TT: You have to throw me a ridiculous metaphorical bone here, Dave.   
TT: You’re giving me terrors. My life is flashing before my eyes.   
TG: good   
TT: I think this is a sign of the end times.   
TG: well the end times are coming alright   
TG: later bro   
TG: ill see you soon   
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --  
TT: Well, fuck. 

  


TT: Let me go through that again.   
TT: You stole Dave’s only comfort for his crippling insecurities, likely inducing a rage the likes of which the world has not yet witnessed, brought his wrath upon yourselves through a drastic misunderstanding of the concept of distractionary tactics, did not inform Dirk of any of the prior facts before you were trapped in an enclosed space with him, and yet somehow, you both managed to arrive at your planned destination in one piece?   
EB: yep!!   
EB: dirk’s talking a lot, but other than that we’re fine.   
EB: and i mean talking a LOT, rose!   
EB: i’ve never heard him talk so much, ever.   
TT: Oh dear.   
TT: I was afraid of this.   
EB: afraid of what?   
TT: John, I regret to inform you that Dirk has gone into a full Strider meltdown. The rambling, and no doubt the metaphors that are colouring it, are the most visible sign, followed by outbursts on the topic of having swords, and sometimes the suggestion mutilation would be a better route than facing one’s own problems.   
TT: It would seem fairly evident that he is more concerned about your gambit than you seem to be.   
TT: And yet, I suspect this is also part of the plan.   
EB: i wasn’t expecting it to go quite like this!!!   
EB: but yes. yes it was.   
TT: Pray tell, is it finally time for the plan to be revealed? Can my untamed curiosity at last be quenched by the cooling waters of knowledge, flowing free and vibrant blue?   
EB: it’s pretty simple!!! the best dates i ever have with dirk are the ones dave is trying to mess with us, so i made sure he’d mess with us today!   
EB: i’m trying to set a mood so it goes as well as it can.   
TT: An astoundingly flawless plan, give or take a little upcoming attempted murder.   
TT: I must say I am somewhat surprised you actually took those most holy shades. I thought I understood your limits, but apparently, I was mistaken.   
EB: hehehe!   
EB: you’ll see, rose! you’ll see.

  


TG: i know he organised this all with you   
TG: so heres how this goes   
TG: you keep the secret and whatever john is doing falls flat   
TG: they have their date or whatever without a hiccup   
TG: i sit and home and when they get back   
TG: well i cant make any promises i wont have filled the house with harlequins and baby pictures of dirk and the sort of pranks that are outlawed under international conventions   
TG: or   
TG: you tell me where to go   
TG: you get to find out what john is playing at   
TG: and i get to hunt the wild egbert the way that god intended   
TG: so   
TG: what do you say   
TG: are we making this happen   
TG: i tink u kno the anser   
TG: the gaem is afoot miser strider   
  


TG: so i told him weher they were   
TG: an befor u lectrue me   
TG: i kno its a terible idea   
TG: but its gonna be great eneway  
TT: Today I’m learning I was mistaken about so many people’s limitations.   
TT: I am genuinely shocked you would do something like this to Dirk.   
TG: oooo but rose   
TG: rooooose   
TG: i hav a feelin its under contorl ;) 

  


TT: And so now, despite it being the worst idea I think anyone has ever had in the history of everything, Dave is on his way.   
BRO: Just when I think it can’t get any better.   
TT: You aren’t concerned about the imminent demise of at least one of your brothers?   
BRO: Today? No.   
BRO: There’s bigger fish to fry. 

  


BRO: News from down the judgemental pink and purple grapevine.   
BRO: He’s on his way.   
EB: then let’s get this show on the road!   
BRO: You sure you know what you’re doing?   
EB: oh, please!!!   
EB: it’s me, bro!   
EB: what could possibly go wrong?

  


TT: Everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong.   
TT: My morning started with John telling me we were going on that date he’s been alluding to for a month, and all this after is the story of how I die.   
TT: I get into the shower because no way I’m going to go have some quality John time without first getting the daily ablutions out of the way and making sure I’m a pretty little nectarine scented dream.   
TT: But when I pour that shit on, lo and fucking behold, someone out of the list of people in our home who would gladly fuck me over had filled my wash with body glitter so now I look like a Twilight reject and I smell faintly of what I’m pretty sure is Jack Daniels.   
TT: I dry up, I deal, I go to style my hair, and wouldn’t you know it when I go to put on my gel I find banana scented lube waiting neatly in the pot.   
TT: Needless to say, as much as it killed me, I’ve gone for a natural look today.   
TT: Luckily no one had replaced my foundation with Nutella or whatever fucked up substance would have been used to try and trick me into giving John a romantic helping of anaphylactic shock, so at the very least my face is on point.   
TT: I’d be more worried about the hair, or the fact the only shirts I could find were definitely a size too small, if there hadn’t been a way more pressing issue slam dunked in my face the moment we were too far from home to turn around and do anything about it.   
TT: Let me tell you about the moment I realised John Egbert is going to ruin my life.   
TT: It was the instant he put my favourite song on the radio, windows rolled down so we could feel the wind, the orange crush smoothie he made me himself in my hand and the last laugh from a stupid pun he’d made on my lips.   
TT: And in that moment I looked at him.   
TT: I looked at this man I’m increasingly worried I’m in love with to a fault.   
TT: And this asshole.   
TT: He reaches down, casually, into his pocket.   
TT: And he puts on Dave’s fucking shades.   
TT: Imagine you’re me.   
TT: Imagine in one moment you’re realising you’re happily chained to the blue-eyed anchor of commitment, and in the next instant your beloved throws the hammer overboard into the sea of brotherly vendettas and giggles as he watches you sink.   
TT: In this moment, I was the drowning fool.   
TT: It was, unsurprisingly, me.   
TT: So after I confirmed Dave is coming to kill us and reclaim his stolen sweethearts, John continues to drive like everything is cool, laughs off the fact our time is numbered.   
TT: I’ve got it covered, he tells me, and gives me this one stupid smile that I’d slap off his face if it didn’t also look like heaven and make me want to makeout with him.   
TT: He insisted he had a plan.   
TT: Do you want to know what his plan was, bro?   
TT: Take a guess.   
TT: Nothing? That’s cool.   
TT: Because I am in a fucking hot air balloon and I have lost control of my life.   
TT: That was his plan, that was his stunning plan, we arrived and he graciously led me to this inflated rainbow monstrosity so we could ride away into the sun instead of facing the fate that awaited us on earth.   
TT: It took a while to get set up and the whole time he kept grinning at me like he was just so proud of himself and the best idea since someone sliced bread with an industrial blender.   
TT: And then.   
TT: THEN.   
TT: Because dramatic irony wasn’t done taking me out to a candlelit hate date and Fate is still holding a grudge over losing that game of poker, just as we started drifting off into our new life as feared pirates of the skies, Dave comes screeching into the parking lot and dives out of his car with a sword in one hand and the ritually symbolic headless bunny plush in the other.   
TT: John is cracking up, I’m doing that thing where I’m pretty sure adrenaline was making this whole situation funny because otherwise I’d be crying, and Dave hollers a battle cry before crashing out of sight through some trees.   
TT: You may think this is where the story ends, because now we’re in the air, and nothing could possibly be more outlandish than what’s happened so far.   
TT: I thought that too.   
TT: I thought we were free.   
TT: And that’s when Dave drove back through the trees in a golf cart. 

  


BRO: You stole a what.   
TG: desperate times calls for desperate measures

  


TT: So now here we are, drifting along a big ass park that would be a scenic view if Dave wasn’t tearing down it in the small off-white cart of death, a steed to carry the first sign of the apocalypse on his screaming way to murder our asses.   
TT: And you know what’s worse?   
TT: I’m having a great time.   
TT: John brought us food and drink for while we watch what he’s referring to as “the show”, I’ve never been in balloon like this before and it’s some crazy cool shit, and even knowing Dave is going to beat me into next week, he’s started threatening me in the most Dave way possible-

  


TG: you heard me dirk im going to take those fine globes and get the first double dunk in the history of interstellar basketball   
TG: throw your plush rump straight through the hoop so hard i win worlds strongest man with the same shot   
TG: the stadium will flip its shit and spontaneously combust while you smash through the floor and straight down to hell   
TG: oh shit its the big bad red guy   
TG: whats he got to say for himself   
TG: hells too good for you   
TG: heres a free pass to the realm where puppets are forbidden   
TG: ponies dont exist   
TG: hair products are outlawed   
TG: and my oh my not a john in sight because he got to go somewhere even worse   
TG: he got to go live on roses couch and get analysed every day by the whole lalonde flock   
TG: meanwhile im the champion   
TG: i tearfully reunite with the worlds finest eyewear   
TG: and as my team raise me up i know ive won   
TG: your ride into space cant save you from that

  
TT: It’s just.   
TT: Fun.   
TT: And I have no idea how to deal with that.   
TT: What’s happening to my life, bro? When did this become normal for me? When did this become something I can’t stop smiling about?   
TT: John did this to me but I’m not even mad.   
TT: I love him.   
TT: Right now, I don’t think I’ve ever loved him more.   
TT: He’s telling me to put my phone away so he can talk to me but.   
TT: Bro.  
TT: Do you seriously have nothing to say about anything that’s happened today?   
BRO: sure.   
BRO: days not done yet.   
BRO: i hope youre filming what happens next.  


 

TG: and then when they finally landed i caught up with them  
TG: turns out john never even took my glasses   
TG: he was wearing cheap imitations   
TG: the real things were with bro the whole time   
TG: so all of that was for nothing but my shades are safe   
TG: i can now say i stole a golf cart to chase a hot air balloon   
TG: for basically no reason   
TG: but i guess today was fun   
TG: in the same way telling a waiter its dirks birthday was fun   
TG: or watching them come back covered in stripper glitter was fun   
TG: im okay is what im saying   
TG: and thats really all there is to say on the matter   
TT: You’re absolutely sure that’s all there is to say?   
TG: well yeah i mean that was kind of the days big event in case you missed it   
TG: john loses his shit   
TG: nearly starts a striderbert war   
TG: there was drama   
TG: there was action   
TT: There was romance.   
TG: yeah but whatever   
TG: just another one of their weird dates i guess   
TT: Mhm.   
TG: i mean it was a little weird sure   
TG: johns dad was there when i caught up with them   
TG: he had a cake   
TG: when does he not have a cake   
TG: dirks face was red   
TG: john had been crying probably in terror   
TT: In terror. Of course.   
TG: dirk was being a rude ass like normal   
TG: he didnt even say hi to me   
TT: Was he, perhaps, too busy talking to John’s father?   
TG: well yeah i mean dude came all the way down here may as well say hello   
TT: If I may be so bold, was he in fact showing John’s father something?   
TG: im pretty sure they were just shaking hands   
TG: just doing the thing with hand holding   
TG: that handshake where one person is holding the others hand up   
TG: normal handshake   
TG: where you just   
TG: look at   
TG: the hand   
TG: oh no   
TG: rose   
TG: rose he didnt   
TG: oh my god rose   
TG: this cant be happening   
TG: rose how could i miss something like that   
TG: i was so relieved about the fucking glasses i stopped caring about what was happening   
TG: i thought i was the joke   
TG: i thought i was what john was planning   
TG: the whole fucking day was just one huge distraction   
TG: he threw a nickel down a grate and i thought it was a diamond   
TG: jumped straight in and was so proud to get a nickel out of being drenched in piss water that i didnt wonder why i was stuck down in a sewer   
TG: rose please   
TG: tell me he didnt   
TT: I believe John liked it, Dave.   
TT: I believe John put a ring on it.   
TG: this is the worst day of my life   
TG: the double shafted dick of fate did me twice   
TG: that fucking gambit maxed out so hard it set off a nuclear explosion   
TG: and here i am making angels in the fallout   
TG: building a fort out of the invitations   
TG: the wedding invitations   
TG: the wedding   
TG: rose i think my brain is breaking down   
TT: Congratulations, Dave.   
TT: I’m happy for you, and your brother.   
TT: And your soon-to-be brother-in-law.   
TG: rose   
TG: what do i do   
TT: You sit down and tell your token goth girl all about what a tragic life you lead, and how all your attempts to save yourself have been for naught.   
TT: And despite the thorny subject, she will remind you you always rose to the occasion, and nipped every opportunity you could in the bud.   
TG: are you trying to cheer me up with rose puns   
TT: Is it working?   
TG: hey   
TG: rose   
TG: you know what   
TT: What, Dave?   
TG: i guess no matter how bad things seem   
TG: i should always remember   
TG: that life rose on   
TT: Dave.   
TG: come on   
TG: that was good   
TG: you cant tell me it wasnt good   
TT: Dave.   
TG: yeah   
TT: This, Dave?   
TG: yeah   
TT: This is why we can’t have nice things.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big special thanks to [Jay](http://prospt.tumblr.com/) for indulging this trash two year later, and I hope you all enjoyed the ride :)
> 
> I can be found on [tumblr](http://khemi.tumblr.com/) and am usually taking prompts, so come on down and thank you very much for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> yEAH. This thing has three chapters. Whoops.  
>  ~~i can't do fucking oneshots help~~


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